


Ghost

by FlamboyantProblematic



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Internal Conflict, Kinda mentions sex, One-Sided Attraction, POV Second Person, but nothing explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:41:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23390380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlamboyantProblematic/pseuds/FlamboyantProblematic
Summary: You live life as a ghost, and you haunt their beds, and vanish before the morning sun. They won't remember you.A short story about desire.
Kudos: 5





	Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> Just spewing out thoughts, the type you have before bed. Sometimes we all feel like ghosts, one way or another. We wish we could be more... maybe one day.

As the moon shines in the sky, and you say your goodbyes to friends, and Martinaise retreats for the day to find its peace... you shed your skin, and become something closer to who you are. You find those that are like you, and they lead you to their room. You think about what they would do if they had known they've just let the devil in. 

But the thought becomes nothing but a hushed whisper in the back of your mind when you're in their bed. You switch out your mask with another, an almost translucent thing to cover your emotions, and the truth that lies beneath. But transparent enough for some honesty, that being you love this. As much as you hate to admit it, you fucking need it. 

Your fingers intertwine, your bodies tangle. You learn their rhythm and they find a way to stay afloat during your storm. 

Your body becomes a temple, and they worship you like a god. They get on their knees for you and you love the sight of it. And as god, you toy with them. It makes it easier for you to feel in charge, in control. Like somehow it makes the act somewhat more acceptable. You lie to yourself and say you're still a man because you're stronger than them. But it doesn't work like that, deep down you know it doesn't.

Beneath the pleasure is a bubble of anger that you try so hard to keep from bursting. Don't think too much about it, don't feed it. It can only end badly.

And you get wasted, so you can blame the alcohol for everything; for the way you feel, for your sick desires, for who you are... but there's no doubt in your mind that you would have made the same decisions sober. 

You love the intimacy with the he and hims, of people of the same gender. You crave it and desire it. You know you shouldn't, you were told as a child you shouldn't. But it feels so good and so right, in a way you can't bring yourself to feel with women.

You can't help the way your body feels. If there was a medicine for this sickness, you would down it with beer in an instant.

It's not like you haven't tried. You tried so hard to be normal and it killed you. You live as a ghost now, some creature that makes you feel ill when you look at him in the mirror, and bleeds your knuckles when you try to destroy it. 

You haunt beds, a thing that can't be and shouldn't be, and disappear before morning, leaving them wondering if you ever existed or if it was all just a dream. 

You'll never see them again. You don't know their names and they don't know yours. You wouldn't allow it to be that personal. It's just fucking. That's all. 

You thought it couldn't get worse until you fell in love, at least you think this is what love is. 

And to your misfortune, it was your best friend. The one man you would never want to push away. The only person who you know can handle being around a fucked up mess like you. 

Of course you love him. He makes you laugh in a way that makes your heart beat in your dead chest. He's there for you, always. All the nights you were at your lowest, when you were drinking more than usual. He would take the bottle away and say enough is enough, and just like that, you listen. 

Ten years of this pain in your chest. You thought it would go away, you thought it would stop. But it never fades. If anything, it grows stronger. 

You know it's not a one night stand thing. You don't want sex, not this time. You feel the desire for something more intimate... You want to be with him for the rest of your life and it fucking scares you.

You find yourself thinking about him constantly; of holding his hand when you get the chance, and letting your fingers gently rub over his knuckles. Of kissing him and knowing what alcohol tastes like after it touched his lips. On your nights alone, wishing he could be the one haunting your bed, but never disappear before you wake, and you could hold him while you sleep, and find peace. You loathe these thoughts because they make you realize how utterly alone you are, and no amount of fucking strangers will ever fill this void. 

The only comfort you get is when he holds you in a good morning embrace or a Farwell for tonight. You hope he doesn't notice how tightly you hold on to him, and the way you take in the smell of booze and smoke stuck to him every night. 

You hate how weak it makes you feel. All your macho manliness fades, just like that, when he laughs. You want to give yourself to him though you know he doesn't want you... Not in that way. He'll never love you the way you love him or desire you the way you desire him. 

But you live somewhat content with the pain. As long as he's in your life, it's alright. 

You'll continue drifting, and living life as a ghost. And you'll continue drinking yourself half to death, hoping it numbs this pain, and drowns your disease. It's okay, because tomorrow you'll find some peace in his arms, even if just for a few seconds.

And you won't have to feel like you want to disappear. 

Just for a few seconds.

If only you knew, he sees the ghost that you are, and aches for you. He wishes he could ease your pain, so he lets you hold him as long as you need, and pretends to be oblivious to the way you look at him. 

And perhaps one day you'll find the courage to be who you are and realize... He's not going to disappear with the light of day. He'll be right there for you, as he's been in the past. As he'll continue to be in the future... always.


End file.
